Monday, 15 April 2013

I can't deny who I am

It's been a while.

I still have phases where I revert to a vanilla life-style. I came back from holiday last summer and decided that I had to change things, give up my role as sissy maid, live a 'normal' life. I didn't feel comfortable in my submissive androgyne persona any more. I should accept that, as a mature 50-something year old, it was time to put away the canes, riding crops, high heels and breast forms.  I thought I could give it up and move on.

I cut off contact with Mme Caramel (my apologies to Her for my abrupt disappearance), stopped seeing my Philippina ladyboy friend, and started to spend more time with my family. I came close to throwing all my clothes and toys away: only last week I cleared out my chest of drawers and filled a plastic bag with stockings, tights, bras, garters and knickers. I left them in the hall to throw out.

Luckily, I never got round to it. The Saturday before last I was lying in bed, idly browsing the web as you do. Inevitably my thoughts turned to Tgirls. I found some shemale videos on xhamster, searched for sissy and watched maids sucking cock. The old desires welled up; perhaps 'swelled up' would be more accurate. I typed in the Adultwork URL and searched for TV Mistresses. I found Ms A and my life has changed.

I emailed Mistress to ask for an appointment. She responded with a questionnaire, which I've attached to the bottom of this post. We were both working last week and arranged a meeting for yesterday evening (Sunday).

It turned out to be one of the most intense sessions I've experienced. Ms A is highly intelligent, imaginative, empathetic and just sadistic enough. I was nervous on arriving at her studio but She immediately put me at my ease, caressing me sensuously and squeezing my nipples simultaneously. I relaxed completely and put myself completely in her power; I remember saying "you can do anything you want with me".

"You really shouldn't say that to a Domme", she replied as she wrapped a soft rope round my neck.

The highlight of the session was when she fucked me. I can't really understand why this was the first time I've allowed anyone to do this. My Danish Mistress, The Empress, used to take me with harness and dildo; I've had one rather unsuccessful fumble with a Greek friend. But I'd never had another cock inside me with my knees up around my ears, feeling it deep inside me. I loved it, dear reader.

It's been a long journey with many detours but I'm beginning to think that I may have arrived somewhere that I belong. I accept myself as a bisexual and, I realise properly for the first time, a transvestite who feels happiest in the company of other transvestites.

Who knows: that may change and I may move on again. But for the moment I want to explore this place; to learn to dress properly, to put on make-up, to find the courage to go out dressed.

Missy A's questionnaire and my answers:
Name: Francis(ca)
Age: 60
Height: around 5ft 10
Weight: around 12st
Shoe Size: 8 and a half
Where shaved?currently unshaven

How often do you play?:
Haven't played for a while; since I stopped seeing my last Mistress. At times, when I've been in D/s relationships, it's been very frequent

B: Experience
What is your level of experience?:
I'm quite experienced in BDSM and D/s but almost exclusively with Dommes. I have never been with a Master or a TV Mistress.

What was the most meaningful session you have ever experienced and why?:
I've had a number of meaningful sessions. I think they've been based on mutual respect between sub and Domme, a genuine empathy and emotional connection. They've also depended on trust: I have at times been able to put myself completely at the mercy of my Mistress without setting limits. On those occasions the interchange between dominant and submissive becomes a dance, instinctive call and response, where cries of pain (when experienced) almost become song.

Have you ever had a traumatic experience during a B/D session that you fear might re-surface during play? Specify:
I nearly fainted once when on a St Andrews Cross which was very frustrating because I had been looking forward to being helplessly suspended on it. I think I was just too tired to play.

How long have you had or known of your interests?
For 30 years.

What is your sexual orientation?
I'd say that I'm omnisexual, predominantly hetero with a strong attraction to TV/TS females.

.Are you... (rate each from 0=lowest to 9=highest)


Your level of interest in bondage:( just need one of these - a "X" by the relevant line to you
will do )
1. Total helplessness X
2. Light bondage X
3. Not my favourite thing
4. Outside my limits
5. Never tried it

Pain (what you are, or what you're looking for)
This depends on mood, the scene and the nature of the relationship with the Dominant

1. Pain slut - yes, occasionally.
2. Whipping, caning, paddling - yes.
3. Light paddling, sensual whipping, no marks - it's nice sometimes to be gently dominated by a loving Mistress
4. Punishment when necessary: if it's part of the contract with my Domme, then I would expect to be punished for transgressions. Punishment is different from erotic play and is not for the sub's pleasure.

I. Sex in a scene, for me is...
An important enhancement but not essential - delightful when permitted, it’s always granted at the discretion of the Domme.

Do you find it difficult to 

a) be erect for longish periods:
to be honest, as I get older it is more difficult to keep erections for a long time. But I find that viagra is a wonderful way of overcoming that problem.

b) achieve orgasm - no.

c) are you cut or uncut - uncut.

d) are u liable to want to finish the play after an orgasm?
That’s the male way very often but as a sub, I don't really think it's my choice.

e) would you consider yourself a 'premature ejaculator?
No but sometimes I come sooner than I would like.

Anal sex: a short note here from you would be helpful :
I want to be fucked. In a previous D/s relationship my Mistress regularly penetrated me using a harness and dildo. I've never had a real cock inside me: it's high on my list of longed-for experiences.

C: Interests, Preferences, and Limits
Roles I would like to play:
I'm open to anything, to be honest:
Personal Slave
Domestic/Sissy Maid

Haven't really done schoolroom, office, prison or 'acting' scenarios. I'd be up for it, though.

Roles you'd like Mistress to play:
Sometimes gentle and sensual, the loving dominant "this is for your own good",
Sometimes strict, awe-inspiring and unforgiving: depends on the Dom/me’s preference, scene
and mood.

Do you want to be feminised, if so what is your dress size
Not sure of my dress size: certainly happy to be feminised: I was for a while a lifestyle sissy maid for a ProDomme

D: List your limits here:
Scat/hard sports.

E :What type of play have you experienced in the past? A short sentence after each item is all that is required though do wax lyrical about anything that provokes a strong like or dislike

rope bondage_love it
saran-wrap bondage__not sure what that is: sounds interesting
spreader bars__stretch me, please
cuffs- leather_essential, I'd have thought.
gags rubber____no experience; not fond of ball gags but then it's not my choice, is it,
gas mask___never tried

(YOUR!)Clitty/cock Torture :
cock rings, straps___yes
wax yes

I've experienced all these; more, please.

Nipple Torture:
Finger squeezing/kneading yes_
wax   yes
Blindfold yes

Fetishes any of these?
Boots__ I like to kneel and kiss them
Latex___ no strong fetish but I like the look and feel
Leather___as above
smoking __no
high heels__love them
feet worship___ of course, if it pleases Mistress.
kissing- light or french or none at all? Depends on the mood/scene. I like French kissing.

Corporal Punishment
face slapping( think carefully?)__in the right mood/scene, perhaps. it's quite humiliating and can be shocking.
spanking OTK (over the knee!) __love it.
leather paddles__yes
riding crops yes
canes eek....yes, i have a love/hate relationship with canes. They're essential: the look, sound and feel of them is intrinsic to a D/s scene.

water sports_not a huge enthusiast but will submit if required as part of a scene.
anal play-butt plugs - yes, yes.
anal play /finger treatments: A previous Mistress loved to insert her fingers.
vibrators -penetrated__yes.

Body Worship:
can manage extended periods of:
(MY!) clitty/cock worship _Possibly my favourite activity
leg and thigh worship __My honour to serve in this way
Rimming__Yes, Ma'am

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